Let’s rewind.

Mary Cosby and Jen Shah are cast members on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

If this show isn’t on your radar, it’s time to fix that. As one of the newest installments of the Real Housewives franchise, it follows the lives of wealthy women living in or near Salt Lake City, Utah, and delivers top-tier drama.

What makes for a good apology?

Research on the subject highlights some recurring themes.

• ☑️ say you’re sorry
• ☑️ own it
• ☑️ show remorse
• ☑️ commit to do better in the future

Let’s see how Mary handles it.

❌ Explaining it away

❌ Disputing the exact wording

❌ Deflecting to the messenger

❌ No remorse here…

In the world of reality television, apologies are a central theme.

People are constantly wronging each other, confronting each other, demanding apologies, and—more often than not—sidestepping them. We can tell the apologies don’t work because the same issues resurface in the next episode, again and again.

S5E2 What’s an apology for then?

To understand just how bad these apologies are, I went through every episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City and documented the apology moments.

These are all the moments when an apology was being attempted or demanded. Almost every episode has at least one.

And while some cast members do a better job than others, it’s clear that bad apologies are as central to the show (if not more) than good ones.

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

Why are the women of RHOSLC so bad at apologizing?

To find out, I watched all 91 episodes and dissected some of the messiest moments with a therapist.

This show is unwittingly a masterclass in how not to apologize, which turns out to hold valuable lessons for all of us on how to get it right.

This is how many times each cast member has said the word “sorry”.

This is excluding times where the word was used outside of the context of an apology. Some people say it freely, others not so much.

Total "sorry"s by cast member

Is saying “sorry” what makes an apology?

The presence of the word is a decent proxy for a good apology. If someone doesn’t want to say it, it feels like they’re sidestepping a true apology. There’s a lot present in the two words—taking ownership, showing remorse. It’s simple, but powerful.

But at the same time, we don’t want to give “sorry” too much weight. Sometimes the word becomes a magic wand, a shortcut to accomplishing everything an apology needs without trying.

So while a simple “sorry” can accomplish a lot, it doesn’t always equate to a good apology.

When I first started going through these apology moments, I figured a key piece of what would make for a good apology was that it seemed genuine.

But Lazarus said he actually doesn’t consider genuineness to be an important part of a good apology—just because someone seems sorry doesn’t necessarily mean they really are or that real healing will happen.

That might help explain this: here are Jen Shah’s apologies. Fans of the show might be surprised that she has the highest total number of decent apologies (despite only 3 seasons as a main cast member) and among the highest rates of effectiveness.

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

So, is Jen the queen of apologies and healthy, harmonious relationships?

Not so much. The problem with many of Jen’s apologies is that after these moments, she turns around and finds herself in the same situations again. There are clearly no lasting changes to her behavior.

Perhaps these believable yet flimsy apologies shouldn’t come as a surprise from someone who is currently in prison for a career of fraud.

S1E9 Jen throws her drink at a party.

S1E10 While in a hot tub with Whitney, Jen informs her that she will drown her.

S3E9 Jen pours champagne on Angie’s head (it’s “just a joke”!)

S3E10 As retaliation for Angie being upset at the champagne pouring, Jen throws her shoes off the boat when she’s not looking.

If the goal of an apology is to create healing, change on the other side needs to be demonstrated for it to hold up.

This also explains why so many issues on the show recur again and again, ready to be brought up at any minute. The final step of actually facing the thing you apologized for, bettering yourself, and being different rarely occurs.

S5E9 Whitney expresses frustration that they are never able to move on from issues in the group.

Whew.

It can be infuriating to watch these ineffective apologies and constant conflict.

As audience members, we feel like we can see where they went wrong, why the apologies aren’t working, thinking we would do better if we were in their shoes.

But would we?

Let’s consider their situation: On this show, women who barely get along are forced to spend a lot of time together. They are encouraged by producers to share their feelings, air their grievances, and confront each other, which all make for great TV. And frequent, if messy, apology attempts.

Would we really do much better if we were forced to manage conflict this much?

Apologies are just really hard.

And there’s a deeper reason for that. Let’s look at a moment from Lisa Barlow, who apologizes a lot, but has one of the lowest rates of effectiveness.

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

This gets to the heart of what makes apologies hard.

I actually relate to Lisa a bit here. No one wants to be seen as bad.

It’s easy to fall into this trap when asked to apologize: mistaking it for an attack on one’s character, and getting defensive.

It’s as if, suddenly, the conversation is not simply about the fact that I picked up the wrong salad greens from the store. It’s about something much bigger and more threatening: whether you see me as a good person, and more importantly, whether deep down I do.

From Lisa Barlow to the everyday people-pleaser, apologies can tear at our innermost ego.

They ask us to take a raw, honest, and sometimes painful look at ourselves.

So instead, we ghost. We withhold. We nurture resentment.

The Real Housewives is actually a fascinating case study of people reckoning with this deeply human challenge (for our amusement).

We started out with a notion of good and bad apologies, but apologizing well is not only deeply hard, but deeply subjective. Healing is complicated, and requires more than completing a checklist.

Healthy relationships will require us to both give and seek apologies.

They will require us to face the fact that we have caused pain, and to not turn away from it. They will require us to be honest about what hurts us.

If the women of RHOSLC are getting so much practice, why can’t we?