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Meredith
I may be known for my ice, but I always bring the heat.
Mary
God is my shepherd, and you all look like sheep.
Heather
Don’t play me. I’ve got the receipts, proof, and the screenshots.
Angie
I may be Greek, but don’t expect an olive branch from me.
Lisa
I’m on a mission to serve Lisa, and I love that for myself.
Jen
The only thing I’m guilty of is being Shah-mazing.
Bronwyn
The only muted thing you’d find in my wardrobe is my Black Card.
Whitney
On my healing journey, I always travel first class.
This is a story about apologies.
Tap anywhere
…and the unexpected wisdom of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
Also it contains sound.
Tap the left side to go back, right to go forward
Meredith
I may be known for my ice, but I always bring the heat.
Mary
God is my shepherd, and you all look like sheep.
Heather
Don’t play me. I’ve got the receipts, proof, and the screenshots.
Angie
I may be Greek, but don’t expect an olive branch from me.
Lisa
I’m on a mission to serve Lisa, and I love that for myself.
Jen
The only thing I’m guilty of is being Shah-mazing.
Bronwyn
The only muted thing you’d find in my wardrobe is my Black Card.
Whitney
On my healing journey, I always travel first class.
This is a story about apologies.
Tap anywhere
…and the unexpected wisdom of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
Also it contains sound.
Tap the left side to go back, right to go forward
It all started when Mary said that Jen “smelled like hospital.”
Mary explains how her relationship with Jen devolved after the “hospital incident.”
S1E1 Mary explains how her relationship with Jen devolved after the “hospital incident.”

Let’s rewind.

Mary Cosby and Jen Shah are cast members on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

If this show isn’t on your radar, it’s time to fix that. As one of the newest installments of the Real Housewives franchise, it follows the lives of wealthy women living in or near Salt Lake City, Utah, and delivers top-tier drama.

The entire cast standing in a row next to the title of the show
From the first episode, it’s clear Jen and Mary don’t see eye to eye. Why? One unforgettable comment: Mary said that Jen “smelled like hospital.”
Mary and Jen each share their side of the story.
S1E1 Mary and Jen each share their side of the story.
Fast forward a bit, and the two are at a party together. Jen is still holding onto the comment and wants an apology from Mary.
Jen wants an apology from Mary.
S1E1 Jen wants an apology from Mary.

What makes for a good apology?

Research on the subject highlights some recurring themes.

  • ☑️ say you’re sorry
  • ☑️ own it
  • ☑️ show remorse
  • ☑️ commit to do better in the future

Let’s see how Mary handles it.

It doesn’t end well.
(It rarely does.)
Jen leaves the party, slamming the door behind her.
S1E1 Jen leaves the party, slamming the door behind her.

In the world of reality television, apologies are a central theme.

People are constantly wronging each other, confronting each other, demanding apologies, and—more often than not—sidestepping them. We can tell the apologies don’t work because the same issues resurface in the next episode, again and again.

What’s an apology for then?
S5E2 What’s an apology for then?

To understand just how bad these apologies are, I went through every episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City and documented the apology moments.

Heather Gay screaming “receipts, proof, timeline, screenshots” in Season 4.

These are all the moments when an apology was being attempted or demanded. Almost every episode has at least one.

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A chart showing 91 episodes of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with markings where the apology moments occur.

And while some cast members do a better job than others, it’s clear that bad apologies are as central to the show (if not more) than good ones.

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

Lisa Barlow
5 seasons
21%
79%
Jen Shah
3 seasons
50%
50%
Heather Gay
5 seasons
62%
38%
Whitney Rose
5 seasons
48%
52%
Meredith Marks
5 seasons
47%
53%
Mary Cosby
3 seasons
14%
86%
Monica Garcia
1 season
67%
33%
Angie Katsanevas
2 seasons
40%
60%
Jennie Nguyen
1 season
33%
67%
Bronwyn Newport
1 season
100%
Show

Why are the women of RHOSLC so bad at apologizing?

To find out, I watched all 91 episodes and dissected some of the messiest moments with a therapist.

This show is unwittingly a masterclass in how not to apologize, which turns out to hold valuable lessons for all of us on how to get it right.

This is how many times each cast member has said the word “sorry”.

This is excluding times where the word was used outside of the context of an apology. Some people say it freely, others not so much.

Total "sorry"s by cast member

Lisa Barlow
5 seasons
63
Jen Shah
3 seasons
49
Heather Gay
5 seasons
38
Whitney Rose
5 seasons
30
Meredith Marks
5 seasons
19
Mary Cosby
3 seasons
13
Monica Garcia
1 season
10
Angie Katsanevas
2 seasons
6
Jennie Nguyen
1 season
3
Bronwyn Newport
1 season
3

Is saying “sorry” what makes an apology?

The presence of the word is a decent proxy for a good apology. If someone doesn’t want to say it, it feels like they’re sidestepping a true apology. There’s a lot present in the two words—taking ownership, showing remorse. It’s simple, but powerful.

Take a look at this moment–Jen is attempting to apologize, but just can’t help adding some more after the “sorry.”
The women visit a hypnotist who tries to help them resolve their conflict.
S1E12 The women visit a hypnotist who tries to help them resolve their conflict.
That’s psychotherapist and author Lazarus Lynch. I showed him some scenes from the show to get his take.
The hypnotist interjects to try to get Jen to simply say “sorry.”
S1E12 The hypnotist interjects to try to get Jen to simply say “sorry.”

But at the same time, we don’t want to give “sorry” too much weight. Sometimes the word becomes a magic wand, a shortcut to accomplishing everything an apology needs without trying.

Like here, where Britani decides she wants to “officially” apologize for saying rude things about Bronwyn’s husband. She goes through the motions, but it doesn’t land.
It’s hard to come back from calling someone a gold digger…
S5E10 It’s hard to come back from calling someone a gold digger…
Or here, where Lisa repeatedly shouts “I’m sorry for your loss!” at Whitney, which also doesn’t land.
Whitney was hurt when Lisa didn’t acknowledge the loss of her close friend. Lisa gets defensive.
S4E12 Whitney was hurt when Lisa didn’t acknowledge the loss of her close friend. Lisa gets defensive.

So while a simple “sorry” can accomplish a lot, it doesn’t always equate to a good apology.

When I first started going through these apology moments, I figured a key piece of what would make for a good apology was that it seemed genuine.

But Lazarus said he actually doesn’t consider genuineness to be an important part of a good apology—just because someone seems sorry doesn’t necessarily mean they really are or that real healing will happen.

That might help explain this: here are Jen Shah’s apologies. Fans of the show might be surprised that she has the highest total number of decent apologies (despite only 3 seasons as a main cast member) and among the highest rates of effectiveness.

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

Lisa Barlow
5 seasons
21%
79%
Jen Shah
3 seasons
50%
50%
Heather Gay
5 seasons
62%
38%
Whitney Rose
5 seasons
48%
52%
Meredith Marks
5 seasons
47%
53%
Mary Cosby
3 seasons
14%
86%
Monica Garcia
1 season
67%
33%
Angie Katsanevas
2 seasons
40%
60%
Jennie Nguyen
1 season
33%
67%
Bronwyn Newport
1 season
100%
Show
You know what? I need to write a goddamn book on how to apologize. Apologizing for the same goddamn thing in 101 different ways.
Jen actually does apologize a lot. And she does a good job. She owns it, she shows remorse, vows to do better. Like here, where she apologizes to Meredith and Seth for gossipping about their marriage.
Jen had previously said very mean things about all of these people.
S1E16 Jen had previously said very mean things about all of these people.
Or here, where she apologizes for her behavior while also sharing context on her childhood that helps explain (but not excuse) her actions.
Jen explains that her aggressive behavior comes from a place of love.
S1E4 Jen explains that her aggressive behavior comes from a place of love.

So, is Jen the queen of apologies and healthy, harmonious relationships?

Not so much. The problem with many of Jen’s apologies is that after these moments, she turns around and finds herself in the same situations again. There are clearly no lasting changes to her behavior.

Perhaps these believable yet flimsy apologies shouldn’t come as a surprise from someone who is currently in prison for a career of fraud.

There’s more to an apology than what is said in the moment. There’s also what happens after the apology.

If the goal of an apology is to create healing, change on the other side needs to be demonstrated for it to hold up.

This also explains why so many issues on the show recur again and again, ready to be brought up at any minute. The final step of actually facing the thing you apologized for, bettering yourself, and being different rarely occurs.

Whitney expresses frustration that they are never able to move on from issues in the group.
S5E9 Whitney expresses frustration that they are never able to move on from issues in the group.

Whew.

It can be infuriating to watch these ineffective apologies and constant conflict.

As audience members, we feel like we can see where they went wrong, why the apologies aren’t working, thinking we would do better if we were in their shoes.

But would we?

Let’s consider their situation: On this show, women who barely get along are forced to spend a lot of time together. They are encouraged by producers to share their feelings, air their grievances, and confront each other, which all make for great TV. And frequent, if messy, apology attempts.

Would we really do much better if we were forced to manage conflict this much?

Apologies are just really hard.

And there’s a deeper reason for that. Let’s look at a moment from Lisa Barlow, who apologizes a lot, but has one of the lowest rates of effectiveness.

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

Lisa Barlow
5 seasons
21%
79%
Jen Shah
3 seasons
50%
50%
Heather Gay
5 seasons
62%
38%
Whitney Rose
5 seasons
48%
52%
Meredith Marks
5 seasons
47%
53%
Mary Cosby
3 seasons
14%
86%
Monica Garcia
1 season
67%
33%
Angie Katsanevas
2 seasons
40%
60%
Jennie Nguyen
1 season
33%
67%
Bronwyn Newport
1 season
100%
Show
Do I have a problem saying I’m sorry? Never. Do I have a problem taking accountability for my actions or my words? Not at all.
Here, Meredith shares that she didn’t feel like Lisa was there for her when her father died.
S2E23

This gets to the heart of what makes apologies hard.

I actually relate to Lisa a bit here. No one wants to be seen as bad.

It’s easy to fall into this trap when asked to apologize: mistaking it for an attack on one’s character, and getting defensive.

It’s as if, suddenly, the conversation is not simply about the fact that I picked up the wrong salad greens from the store. It’s about something much bigger and more threatening: whether you see me as a good person, and more importantly, whether deep down I do.

This moment from psychologist and author on apologies Harriet Lerner’s Ted Talk encapsulates it well.

From Lisa Barlow to the everyday people-pleaser, apologies can tear at our innermost ego.

They ask us to take a raw, honest, and sometimes painful look at ourselves.

So instead, we ghost. We withhold. We nurture resentment.

The Real Housewives is actually a fascinating case study of people reckoning with this deeply human challenge (for our amusement).

We started out with a notion of good and bad apologies, but apologizing well is not only deeply hard, but deeply subjective. Healing is complicated, and requires more than completing a checklist.

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A chart showing 91 episodes of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with markings where the apology moments occur. Currently highlighting the fade apologies.

Healthy relationships will require us to both give and seek apologies.

They will require us to face the fact that we have caused pain, and to not turn away from it. They will require us to be honest about what hurts us.

If the women of RHOSLC are getting so much practice, why can’t we?